“….Played the role of a bad girl and snuck some boys out the back door. So somebody would love me-I got smart and start thinking I wasn’t smiling or feeling free. This ain’t love, yo and I ain’t happy”
-“Run and Hide” by Algebra
As women I think we can all relate to times where went through extremes to be accepted, admired, loved and put ourselves in ridiculous and sometimes dangerous situations just to feel a little bit of that validation.
And you don’t necessarily have to be from a broken home where Daddy was gone, have been touched inappropriately or otherwise abused to find yourself making a fool out of yourself all in the name of love and acceptance.
You can, like me, come from a loving two-parent household in middle-income America, having never been molested or abused-the usual explanations for irrational behavior in relationships. Yet, there were many situations in which I interacted with the opposite sex and allowed myself to be humiliated de-valued and under-appreciated.
I have played the “other woman”, a “jump off” and also been through other situations that I am not yet comfortable to write about. (Although it was nothing as serious as what many women go through) Some situations I can look at and laugh at, but a lot of them I cringe at because I don’t understand how I allowed myself to get so caught up in receiving love from somebody else that I forgot to love me.
But fortunately, there comes a time in every woman’s life where that stuff will get played out. There will be a time when that little nagging voice in your head that says” this isn’t right” turns into a shout you will no longer be able to ignore. Where your need to grow as a woman, as a spiritual being will overshadow your need to settle for less just to avoid being alone.
I just turned 26 and I am at a point where I no longer want to find myself in the same scenarios making the same mistakes I did at 19, 21, and heck even last week.
When you get that feeling within you hold on tightly to it. Hold on to it and press replay every time you catch yourself running back to a situation or person you said you would never come back to. Get to the point when You are not only enough, you are overflowing with too much love for yourself to allow yourself to settle for less, where it is ok (and sometimes preferable) to be alone on a Saturday night.
Strive for this, not just for the hopes of a future soul mate or your growth- but for the sake of your own sanity.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Friday, September 24, 2010
Re-Defining Single
I always defined “single” as not being tied down to a person, the freedom to talk to as many or as few men as I wanted to. As Katt Williams put it in one of his standups, being able to go out to the club and scream: “Single and ready to m***f**ing mingle!”
And while that is part of the picture, I realize that this definition is so limiting. To define “single” from this perspective, still makes my state of being dependent on external factors, (i.e. If I am ever going to find a man? Is he going to call?) instead of focusing on improving the internal, which is what I want this process to be about.
So how does one make it internal? Often I read articles aimed at single women suggesting that we live up the single life by taking ourselves out or pamper ourselves. These are all great things to implement but there are only so many times you can take yourself to the movies to the spa or out to dinner before you realize that this is only scratching the surface.
Often books and articles targeted at single woman only discuss how to attract, get and keep a man. How to act when you are with him, so you won’t drive him away. But I have yet to see any mainstream books on how to love yourself or love being alone.
Everyone has to define their “single-dom” for themselves but in my case I want it to be about fully appreciating this moment of alone and not seeing it as a punishment because I can’t get relationships right. I want it to be a little more about me and making my dreams come true and less about finding the “right man”. Finding him is inevitable with patience, and if there is nothing I can do to speed up the process the best thing I can do is let go.
Also on my list of to-dos :
• Being at peace with nights alone.
• Having the courage to be honest to myself about what I really want out of life.
• Getting around to all of those things I have been putting off (like writing).
• Enjoying life in general!
The only way to do it right, is to fully go in. Evaluate yourself, how you got here, what you want to accomplish while you are here. Start from scratch, removing negative thoughts and habits that no longer work and adding more positive and life affirming ones.
How will you define your single life?
And while that is part of the picture, I realize that this definition is so limiting. To define “single” from this perspective, still makes my state of being dependent on external factors, (i.e. If I am ever going to find a man? Is he going to call?) instead of focusing on improving the internal, which is what I want this process to be about.
So how does one make it internal? Often I read articles aimed at single women suggesting that we live up the single life by taking ourselves out or pamper ourselves. These are all great things to implement but there are only so many times you can take yourself to the movies to the spa or out to dinner before you realize that this is only scratching the surface.
Often books and articles targeted at single woman only discuss how to attract, get and keep a man. How to act when you are with him, so you won’t drive him away. But I have yet to see any mainstream books on how to love yourself or love being alone.
Everyone has to define their “single-dom” for themselves but in my case I want it to be about fully appreciating this moment of alone and not seeing it as a punishment because I can’t get relationships right. I want it to be a little more about me and making my dreams come true and less about finding the “right man”. Finding him is inevitable with patience, and if there is nothing I can do to speed up the process the best thing I can do is let go.
Also on my list of to-dos :
• Being at peace with nights alone.
• Having the courage to be honest to myself about what I really want out of life.
• Getting around to all of those things I have been putting off (like writing).
• Enjoying life in general!
The only way to do it right, is to fully go in. Evaluate yourself, how you got here, what you want to accomplish while you are here. Start from scratch, removing negative thoughts and habits that no longer work and adding more positive and life affirming ones.
How will you define your single life?
I'm Baaack!
Okay, so I I haven't blogged in a while. There has been so much going on in my life in the past few months from moving, to working, to starting a new semester of school and various other events that have left my pen and keyboard idle.
And the real truth is I met someone and then I got comfortable and lazy. I haven't been challenging myself to write daily or even weekly like I should. It's easy to get in that comfort zone of spending time with someone you really like and letting all your extracurricular activities and even some of your important stuff fall to the wayside.
But this is a dangerous path to start out on, as a writer and a single woman. It's easy to lose your focus of your goals in both scenarios. And once you lose focus it becomes increasingly harder to get back on track.
As a writer, I never want to stop writing. As a single woman I never want to lose sight of my purpose and my personal goals and only focus on the relationship with the man.
So I'm baaack! More ready to write and more focused than ever. I'm changing the name of this blog (more on that later) to reflect my new attitude on the single life.
Here's to new beginnings.
And the real truth is I met someone and then I got comfortable and lazy. I haven't been challenging myself to write daily or even weekly like I should. It's easy to get in that comfort zone of spending time with someone you really like and letting all your extracurricular activities and even some of your important stuff fall to the wayside.
But this is a dangerous path to start out on, as a writer and a single woman. It's easy to lose your focus of your goals in both scenarios. And once you lose focus it becomes increasingly harder to get back on track.
As a writer, I never want to stop writing. As a single woman I never want to lose sight of my purpose and my personal goals and only focus on the relationship with the man.
So I'm baaack! More ready to write and more focused than ever. I'm changing the name of this blog (more on that later) to reflect my new attitude on the single life.
Here's to new beginnings.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Rules
“Don’t call him, let him call you”
“Let him kill the scary spider in the corner”
“Don’t give it up on the first night"
“Wait exactly 90 days before you have sex”
From the time we are young girls, we are given “the rules” about dealing with boys. They are embedded in our brain right along with brush your teeth and say your prayers from our parents. When we are women we are given the “rules” by dating magazines, books, and television.
We don’t know whether to “act like a lady and think like a man” be dominating or submissive. We don’t know whether to reach for our purses to pick up the tab, or let him pay. We get talked into circles.
Then we over-analyze. Sometimes those books and magazines will have you thinking you have done everything wrong in your dating life up till this point when maybe that’s not the case.
Even if you don’t read dating and self-help books, the voices of your mom, sister, and best friend echo in the background of your mind during the first date.
But every now and then you might meet someone with whom you can’t apply the list of rules. He is the guy that challenges your whole belief system, and what you think love and relationships look like.
Welcome this lesson with open arms. Sometimes you cannot turn to page 19 for a quick solution on how to handle him.
I recently had a self-help book swap with a friend of mine. As she told me about her new guy interest and how she was going to apply what she learned with her new friend I just quietly listened. As I read the book I started to question my own actions. That’s when I thought perhaps I was taking things to seriously.
I am in no way discrediting dating and self-help books. Personally, I have read several that I have found very helpful. I’m just saying it’s important not to go over-board and scrutinize every move you make. Just relax! Intuition and mother-wit should still have the last say.
Take heed of the advice that strikes a chord with you; that when you read it you know instinctively its true. And never disregard your wisdom that can only come from your own experiences. Learn the difference between advice that makes you uneasy because you are afraid to leave your comfort zone, and the advice that is just plain old irrelevant to who you are and what your situation is.
Sometimes I just want to say “ f” every dating advice columnist and expert. How freeing it would be if the motto “Just Do You” was adopted by everybody. There would be no inhibitions, no rule books, no lies or “running game.” But we all know that’s not the case.
With that being said, I do believe that there are some rules that are universal and can be applied to at least 80% of relationships. It’s that advice your mother probably gave you back in the day, before you walked out of the door, eager to go on your first date.
1. A man will show you who he is with actions, not words.
2. Keep those legs closed until you find out where a man stands and what he is about. (I’m still debating the 90 day thing however..)
3. How he treats others is eventually how he will treat you
4. Be a lady.
5. Know when it’s important to be “right” and when it’s best to just be quiet.
What are some of your rules?
P.S. Speaking of dating books, I am currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches”. So far so good! Will have a full review posted by Friday.
“Let him kill the scary spider in the corner”
“Don’t give it up on the first night"
“Wait exactly 90 days before you have sex”
From the time we are young girls, we are given “the rules” about dealing with boys. They are embedded in our brain right along with brush your teeth and say your prayers from our parents. When we are women we are given the “rules” by dating magazines, books, and television.
We don’t know whether to “act like a lady and think like a man” be dominating or submissive. We don’t know whether to reach for our purses to pick up the tab, or let him pay. We get talked into circles.
Then we over-analyze. Sometimes those books and magazines will have you thinking you have done everything wrong in your dating life up till this point when maybe that’s not the case.
Even if you don’t read dating and self-help books, the voices of your mom, sister, and best friend echo in the background of your mind during the first date.
But every now and then you might meet someone with whom you can’t apply the list of rules. He is the guy that challenges your whole belief system, and what you think love and relationships look like.
Welcome this lesson with open arms. Sometimes you cannot turn to page 19 for a quick solution on how to handle him.
I recently had a self-help book swap with a friend of mine. As she told me about her new guy interest and how she was going to apply what she learned with her new friend I just quietly listened. As I read the book I started to question my own actions. That’s when I thought perhaps I was taking things to seriously.
I am in no way discrediting dating and self-help books. Personally, I have read several that I have found very helpful. I’m just saying it’s important not to go over-board and scrutinize every move you make. Just relax! Intuition and mother-wit should still have the last say.
Take heed of the advice that strikes a chord with you; that when you read it you know instinctively its true. And never disregard your wisdom that can only come from your own experiences. Learn the difference between advice that makes you uneasy because you are afraid to leave your comfort zone, and the advice that is just plain old irrelevant to who you are and what your situation is.
Sometimes I just want to say “ f” every dating advice columnist and expert. How freeing it would be if the motto “Just Do You” was adopted by everybody. There would be no inhibitions, no rule books, no lies or “running game.” But we all know that’s not the case.
With that being said, I do believe that there are some rules that are universal and can be applied to at least 80% of relationships. It’s that advice your mother probably gave you back in the day, before you walked out of the door, eager to go on your first date.
1. A man will show you who he is with actions, not words.
2. Keep those legs closed until you find out where a man stands and what he is about. (I’m still debating the 90 day thing however..)
3. How he treats others is eventually how he will treat you
4. Be a lady.
5. Know when it’s important to be “right” and when it’s best to just be quiet.
What are some of your rules?
P.S. Speaking of dating books, I am currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches”. So far so good! Will have a full review posted by Friday.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Why I Don't Want a Boyfriend
"Boyfriends are on your relationship status on Facebook. Soul Mates are forever connected with you on such a spiritual level, people can sense your bond even if neither one of you communicates it."
Over the past few months I have experienced a range of emotions when it comes to relationships. I have felt insecure, because friends and ex-boyfriends, and guys I used to "talk" to have gotten married or in serious relationships. In the back of my mind I’ve thought “Why can’t I get this right?” I have felt bitter about most of my relationships leading to a dead end or have beat myself up for mistakes I've made in the past. But most of all, moving to a new city where I barely know anyone has made me lonely.
When loneliness creeps in, there is a temptation to think that all my problems would be solved if I only had a man in my life! I would have an escape from my shared house with roommates. I would have someone to go grocery shopping with and see movies with on the weekends. I would have someone to keep me warm at night.
Lo and behold, one afternoon I met someone I instantly vibed with. We hung out and it was a great experience. He was polite and a gentleman, compassionate, and fine! Not only that, we had so much in common it felt like I had known him a while.
Not too long after we met, he expressed his interest to be my boyfriend. Wow! Isn’t this what I had been subconsciously asking for? However, something didn’t feel right. It was too soon. I hadn’t known this person long enough. Furthermore, I thought that even when I did get to know him more I still wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend.
This is when I realized I don’t want a boyfriend.
“Whoa! Back up! What are you saying Orneno? You want to be alone?” Hear me out…
In the past I would pray for God to send me a boyfriend, a “good man”. Now I pray for something deeper than everything I have perceived as a “good” relationship in the past.
I want connection with longevity. Someone I see myself having children with. I want a Soul Mate, someone I can connect with on every level; physically spiritually and intellectually. I want someone who will support me as I support him and together we transform the world.
Have you ever kissed someone or held their hand but it didn’t feel sincere, deep down? It is possible to be with someone who is the textbook definition of “a good man” saying and doing the right things, and the relationship is still unfulfilling. This comes from our need to fill a void so badly, that we go ahead and settle knowing something isn’t right.
A boyfriend accepts and loves you for who you are. A Soul Mate does this as well, but takes it a step further and influences you to be a better person. Boyfriends and girlfriends break up when they can’t solve their differences. A Soul Mate looks at these differences and says “I’m going to love you anyway!” Boyfriends are on your relationship status on Facebook. Soul Mates are forever connected with you on such a spiritual level people can sense your bond even if neither one of you verbally communicates it. I believe Soul Mates can transcend all of the excuses we make for not making people our boyfriends or girlfriends; there is no time, this person lives too far away, etc.
Now don’t misunderstand me. Boyfriends are great! Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend leads you to learn a lot about relationships the opposite sex and yourself. A boyfriend can turn into a fiancé and then a great husband.
I’m just saying that my perceptions of relationships and my expectations have evolved; I no longer want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship.
And neither should you! You have already set your standards for a relationship, the kind of man or woman you want, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Don’t back down now, because the picture looks a little bleak or all of your friends are booed up and you are still alone. I can guarantee this will only create more problems than it will solve.
This view might be controversial, but I believe as women we should definitely date around more until we find a man worth settling with, instead of trying to make the next guy that takes us out and has good conversation our man. Men do not settle down until they have found exactly what they want in a woman so why should we? (Note I didn’t say sleep around, unless that’s how you really want to get down. If that’s the case PLEASE use protection).
Yes, I do still plan on dating. I love the whole courting, random text messages in the middle of the day, and the “caking” phone calls at night. I love connecting with men and getting to know them more. I always have. It’s just that now I date with a better understanding of exactly WHAT I want, a Soul Mate, a future husband and the father of my children.
This is how I feel now. My needs may very well change. There may be a time when having a boyfriend will be just be fine with me until I do meet my Soul Mate. I definitely believe everyone enters your life for a season a reason or a lesson.
Maybe you think I am asking for too much in a world where the media makes it seem as though because I am a Black woman, finding a man I am completely compatible with is impossible. But I believe in the saying “You get what you expect.” I expect greatness and the fulfillment of my destiny through the man God has intended for me, so I know this Soul Mate will meet all my expectations and more.
Over the past few months I have experienced a range of emotions when it comes to relationships. I have felt insecure, because friends and ex-boyfriends, and guys I used to "talk" to have gotten married or in serious relationships. In the back of my mind I’ve thought “Why can’t I get this right?” I have felt bitter about most of my relationships leading to a dead end or have beat myself up for mistakes I've made in the past. But most of all, moving to a new city where I barely know anyone has made me lonely.
When loneliness creeps in, there is a temptation to think that all my problems would be solved if I only had a man in my life! I would have an escape from my shared house with roommates. I would have someone to go grocery shopping with and see movies with on the weekends. I would have someone to keep me warm at night.
Lo and behold, one afternoon I met someone I instantly vibed with. We hung out and it was a great experience. He was polite and a gentleman, compassionate, and fine! Not only that, we had so much in common it felt like I had known him a while.
Not too long after we met, he expressed his interest to be my boyfriend. Wow! Isn’t this what I had been subconsciously asking for? However, something didn’t feel right. It was too soon. I hadn’t known this person long enough. Furthermore, I thought that even when I did get to know him more I still wouldn’t want to be his girlfriend.
This is when I realized I don’t want a boyfriend.
“Whoa! Back up! What are you saying Orneno? You want to be alone?” Hear me out…
In the past I would pray for God to send me a boyfriend, a “good man”. Now I pray for something deeper than everything I have perceived as a “good” relationship in the past.
I want connection with longevity. Someone I see myself having children with. I want a Soul Mate, someone I can connect with on every level; physically spiritually and intellectually. I want someone who will support me as I support him and together we transform the world.
Have you ever kissed someone or held their hand but it didn’t feel sincere, deep down? It is possible to be with someone who is the textbook definition of “a good man” saying and doing the right things, and the relationship is still unfulfilling. This comes from our need to fill a void so badly, that we go ahead and settle knowing something isn’t right.
A boyfriend accepts and loves you for who you are. A Soul Mate does this as well, but takes it a step further and influences you to be a better person. Boyfriends and girlfriends break up when they can’t solve their differences. A Soul Mate looks at these differences and says “I’m going to love you anyway!” Boyfriends are on your relationship status on Facebook. Soul Mates are forever connected with you on such a spiritual level people can sense your bond even if neither one of you verbally communicates it. I believe Soul Mates can transcend all of the excuses we make for not making people our boyfriends or girlfriends; there is no time, this person lives too far away, etc.
Now don’t misunderstand me. Boyfriends are great! Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend leads you to learn a lot about relationships the opposite sex and yourself. A boyfriend can turn into a fiancé and then a great husband.
I’m just saying that my perceptions of relationships and my expectations have evolved; I no longer want a relationship for the sake of having a relationship.
And neither should you! You have already set your standards for a relationship, the kind of man or woman you want, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Don’t back down now, because the picture looks a little bleak or all of your friends are booed up and you are still alone. I can guarantee this will only create more problems than it will solve.
This view might be controversial, but I believe as women we should definitely date around more until we find a man worth settling with, instead of trying to make the next guy that takes us out and has good conversation our man. Men do not settle down until they have found exactly what they want in a woman so why should we? (Note I didn’t say sleep around, unless that’s how you really want to get down. If that’s the case PLEASE use protection).
Yes, I do still plan on dating. I love the whole courting, random text messages in the middle of the day, and the “caking” phone calls at night. I love connecting with men and getting to know them more. I always have. It’s just that now I date with a better understanding of exactly WHAT I want, a Soul Mate, a future husband and the father of my children.
This is how I feel now. My needs may very well change. There may be a time when having a boyfriend will be just be fine with me until I do meet my Soul Mate. I definitely believe everyone enters your life for a season a reason or a lesson.
Maybe you think I am asking for too much in a world where the media makes it seem as though because I am a Black woman, finding a man I am completely compatible with is impossible. But I believe in the saying “You get what you expect.” I expect greatness and the fulfillment of my destiny through the man God has intended for me, so I know this Soul Mate will meet all my expectations and more.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Case of the Ex: How to Deal When He Moves On...
It's one of those moments like the death of a sick loved one, or the F grade for a class you put no effort in. You know it's inevitable, but still when it happens, you can feel your heart stop a little, and a drop in the pit of your stomach.
Finding out an ex has moved on, and is in a new relationship can be one of those moments.
Recently, I had the pleasure of experiencing that drop-down-pit-of-the-stomach feeling, double whammy style. On two consecutive days, I discovered that two of my ex-boyfriends were in new relationships (I swear I can't make this stuff up!) The experience was especially painful because although I was the one who chose to leave both relationships, I still felt a strong connection to both men, as they had played significant roles in my life over the past three years.
The initial temptation was to immediately fly into criticism mode and ego-tripping. (Which I must admit I did a little bit of both at first).
You know what I mean:
"He will never find anyone that can (fill in the blank) like I do"
"She ain't even on my level"
"He's a dog anyway"
And then the rational part of me cleared her throat to speak: Even if all the above were true, does it matter? Whether his new woman looks like Naomi Campbell or Shrek the fact is we are not together any more.
What's the bigger picture here? Not a believer that things just randomly happen, I looked for the significance and meaning behind it all. I truly believe that discovering both men were in relationships so close to the end of the year, was God's way of closing those chapters that I had left open too long with what-ifs. What if I had stuck it out with Bob in spite of the long distance issue? What if I never left Bill for Bob? What if every decision I made was wrong?
Free from the burden of obsessing about the past, I enter 2010 with a clean slate, the hope of finding my true soul mate and the faith that he will appear when the time is right and not a moment sooner or later.
Are you dealing with a case of the ex? Here's how to cope:
1. Remember he is your ex for a reason. Whether he cheated or you cheated, or you just outgrew the relationship, its over. God puts people in our life for a reason and season and to teach you something. Once that season is over, let go. Stop blaming him and stop blaming yourself. It's over!
2. Don't beat yourself up for still caring. If you were with someone long-term, especially if it was for a number of years, it's natural to still have strong feelings for that person no matter how long it's been since you broke up. You are only human.
3. Don't be nasty to or harbor negative emotions for the new girlfriend. It's tempting, oh so tempting! But remember your problem isn't with the other woman. Chances are you don't even know her. Your real issue is your lingering emotions for your ex.
4. Get Closure Do what it takes to close this chapter for good. Write a letter to him highlighting all the good times you all enjoyed and wishing him the best for the future. (If you are feeling gutsy you can even send it to him!)Delete his number, remove him as a Facebook friend or unfollow him on Twitter if that's what it takes.
5. Know that if it's meant to be, the universe will find a way to bring the two of you together again. In the meantime, seek your highest good while giving him the chance to do the same.
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