The Rules

“Don’t call him, let him call you”

“Let him kill the scary spider in the corner”

“Don’t give it up on the first night"

“Wait exactly 90 days before you have sex”

From the time we are young girls, we are given “the rules” about dealing with boys. They are embedded in our brain right along with brush your teeth and say your prayers from our parents. When we are women we are given the “rules” by dating magazines, books, and television.

We don’t know whether to “act like a lady and think like a man” be dominating or submissive. We don’t know whether to reach for our purses to pick up the tab, or let him pay. We get talked into circles.

Then we over-analyze. Sometimes those books and magazines will have you thinking you have done everything wrong in your dating life up till this point when maybe that’s not the case.

Even if you don’t read dating and self-help books, the voices of your mom, sister, and best friend echo in the background of your mind during the first date.
But every now and then you might meet someone with whom you can’t apply the list of rules. He is the guy that challenges your whole belief system, and what you think love and relationships look like.

Welcome this lesson with open arms. Sometimes you cannot turn to page 19 for a quick solution on how to handle him.

I recently had a self-help book swap with a friend of mine. As she told me about her new guy interest and how she was going to apply what she learned with her new friend I just quietly listened. As I read the book I started to question my own actions. That’s when I thought perhaps I was taking things to seriously.

I am in no way discrediting dating and self-help books. Personally, I have read several that I have found very helpful. I’m just saying it’s important not to go over-board and scrutinize every move you make. Just relax! Intuition and mother-wit should still have the last say.

Take heed of the advice that strikes a chord with you; that when you read it you know instinctively its true. And never disregard your wisdom that can only come from your own experiences. Learn the difference between advice that makes you uneasy because you are afraid to leave your comfort zone, and the advice that is just plain old irrelevant to who you are and what your situation is.

Sometimes I just want to say “ f” every dating advice columnist and expert. How freeing it would be if the motto “Just Do You” was adopted by everybody. There would be no inhibitions, no rule books, no lies or “running game.” But we all know that’s not the case.

With that being said, I do believe that there are some rules that are universal and can be applied to at least 80% of relationships. It’s that advice your mother probably gave you back in the day, before you walked out of the door, eager to go on your first date.

1. A man will show you who he is with actions, not words.
2. Keep those legs closed until you find out where a man stands and what he is about. (I’m still debating the 90 day thing however..)
3. How he treats others is eventually how he will treat you
4. Be a lady.
5. Know when it’s important to be “right” and when it’s best to just be quiet.
What are some of your rules?

P.S. Speaking of dating books, I am currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches”. So far so good! Will have a full review posted by Friday.

The Case of the Ex: How to Deal When He Moves On...

It's one of those moments like the death of a sick loved one, or the F grade for a class you put no effort in. You know it's inevitable, but still when it happens, you can feel your heart stop a little, and a drop in the pit of your stomach.

Finding out an ex has moved on, and is in a new relationship can be one of those moments.

Recently, I had the pleasure of experiencing that drop-down-pit-of-the-stomach feeling, double whammy style. On two consecutive days, I discovered that two of my ex-boyfriends were in new relationships (I swear I can't make this stuff up!) The experience was especially painful because although I was the one who chose to leave both relationships, I still felt a strong connection to both men, as they had played significant roles in my life over the past three years.

The initial temptation was to immediately fly into criticism mode and ego-tripping. (Which I must admit I did a little bit of both at first).

You know what I mean:

"He will never find anyone that can (fill in the blank) like I do"

"She ain't even on my level"

"He's a dog anyway"

And then the rational part of me cleared her throat to speak: Even if all the above were true, does it matter? Whether his new woman looks like Naomi Campbell or Shrek the fact is we are not together any more.

What's the bigger picture here? Not a believer that things just randomly happen, I looked for the significance and meaning behind it all. I truly believe that discovering both men were in relationships so close to the end of the year, was God's way of closing those chapters that I had left open too long with what-ifs. What if I had stuck it out with Bob in spite of the long distance issue? What if I never left Bill for Bob? What if every decision I made was wrong?

Free from the burden of obsessing about the past, I enter 2010 with a clean slate, the hope of finding my true soul mate and the faith that he will appear when the time is right and not a moment sooner or later.

Are you dealing with a case of the ex? Here's how to cope:

1. Remember he is your ex for a reason. Whether he cheated or you cheated, or you just outgrew the relationship, its over. God puts people in our life for a reason and season and to teach you something. Once that season is over, let go. Stop blaming him and stop blaming yourself. It's over!

2. Don't beat yourself up for still caring. If you were with someone long-term, especially if it was for a number of years, it's natural to still have strong feelings for that person no matter how long it's been since you broke up. You are only human.

3. Don't be nasty to or harbor negative emotions for the new girlfriend. It's tempting, oh so tempting! But remember your problem isn't with the other woman. Chances are you don't even know her. Your real issue is your lingering emotions for your ex.

4. Get Closure Do what it takes to close this chapter for good. Write a letter to him highlighting all the good times you all enjoyed and wishing him the best for the future. (If you are feeling gutsy you can even send it to him!)Delete his number, remove him as a Facebook friend or unfollow him on Twitter if that's what it takes.

5. Know that if it's meant to be, the universe will find a way to bring the two of you together again. In the meantime, seek your highest good while giving him the chance to do the same.