It's one of those moments like the death of a sick loved one, or the F grade for a class you put no effort in. You know it's inevitable, but still when it happens, you can feel your heart stop a little, and a drop in the pit of your stomach.
Finding out an ex has moved on, and is in a new relationship can be one of those moments.
Recently, I had the pleasure of experiencing that drop-down-pit-of-the-stomach feeling, double whammy style. On two consecutive days, I discovered that two of my ex-boyfriends were in new relationships (I swear I can't make this stuff up!) The experience was especially painful because although I was the one who chose to leave both relationships, I still felt a strong connection to both men, as they had played significant roles in my life over the past three years.
The initial temptation was to immediately fly into criticism mode and ego-tripping. (Which I must admit I did a little bit of both at first).
You know what I mean:
"He will never find anyone that can (fill in the blank) like I do"
"She ain't even on my level"
"He's a dog anyway"
And then the rational part of me cleared her throat to speak: Even if all the above were true, does it matter? Whether his new woman looks like Naomi Campbell or Shrek the fact is we are not together any more.
What's the bigger picture here? Not a believer that things just randomly happen, I looked for the significance and meaning behind it all. I truly believe that discovering both men were in relationships so close to the end of the year, was God's way of closing those chapters that I had left open too long with what-ifs. What if I had stuck it out with Bob in spite of the long distance issue? What if I never left Bill for Bob? What if every decision I made was wrong?
Free from the burden of obsessing about the past, I enter 2010 with a clean slate, the hope of finding my true soul mate and the faith that he will appear when the time is right and not a moment sooner or later.
Are you dealing with a case of the ex? Here's how to cope:
1. Remember he is your ex for a reason. Whether he cheated or you cheated, or you just outgrew the relationship, its over. God puts people in our life for a reason and season and to teach you something. Once that season is over, let go. Stop blaming him and stop blaming yourself. It's over!
2. Don't beat yourself up for still caring. If you were with someone long-term, especially if it was for a number of years, it's natural to still have strong feelings for that person no matter how long it's been since you broke up. You are only human.
3. Don't be nasty to or harbor negative emotions for the new girlfriend. It's tempting, oh so tempting! But remember your problem isn't with the other woman. Chances are you don't even know her. Your real issue is your lingering emotions for your ex.
4. Get Closure Do what it takes to close this chapter for good. Write a letter to him highlighting all the good times you all enjoyed and wishing him the best for the future. (If you are feeling gutsy you can even send it to him!)Delete his number, remove him as a Facebook friend or unfollow him on Twitter if that's what it takes.
5. Know that if it's meant to be, the universe will find a way to bring the two of you together again. In the meantime, seek your highest good while giving him the chance to do the same.
